There are six blog posts sitting pretty in my drafts right now and they all pertain to a year end review for 2017 along with the combination of what my goals are for the new year. Unfortunately, I can’t bring myself to finish or post them. It’s a good thing though because I caught myself only writing about what my down falls were and not acknowledging any of my positives enough. Delving so much into negative situations, I felt anxious about who would read this post, who it would be shared with, and just general discomfort about putting so much of myself on display. Ultimately, I decided that it wouldn’t have been appropriate to make my most intimate thoughts public. I had to remind myself also that I don’t owe it to anyone to share a post that’s ultimately meant for me anyway and that I don’t need to disclose more than I need to. Aside from that, I still just can’t imagine anyone caring enough to read through my mess of personal recollections without making assumptions about me, laughing at my life, and dismissing my perspectives. I’d rather save myself the humiliation and not feel like somewhere out in the real world someone is looking to use my vulnerability to degrade me somehow. And, I guess that goes for me blogging in general, but you get it.
Without realizing it, going through that process of recalling and analyzing every little detail (sometimes painful) brought me some much needed reflection. It was more than necessary though because I had repressed thoughts and feelings that had been knotted up inside of me for months, weeks, and days after something had already occurred. There’s been so much progress over the past four years with how I approach and handle a situation, but I know that I still have habits I need to break and things I need to improve on. More often than not, I would react instantly to things without thinking the situation through and allowing myself the time to absorb everything within a moment; I wasn’t allowing myself to feel what I needed to feel because I didn’t want to feel like I wasn’t in control. That’s not love. Pushing things aside and shutting things out, that’s not love at all, and I hated myself. That not only affected my mental health even more, but it also affected the people I was reacting towards; it also affected those I was indirectly reflecting my negative energy onto, and they didn’t have anything to do with what I was going through. And so, back to my post, I laid out my memories out like a map, each point connecting to another and coming to full circle. Tears came out of me in streams and my nose dripped like a broken water faucet, but I was cleansing and I felt lighter.
My story is like everyone else’s – there was loss and there were things gained – I choose not to feel bitter about what was negative, though. Every person did what they did, said what they said, and walked into someone else’s life with purpose, whether they knew it or not. Overall, I’m happy. I did so many great things last year and this year started as a continuation of that. There were many lessons given, and I’m still learning from the ones that were presented to me, and I hope that I’m a positive influence to someone else. I love myself so much, and I’m so thankful for everything I experienced last year. I have who I need in my life right now and I wish everyone from my past the best, and I look forward to forming new relationships this year (I’m also open to the possibility of dating again).
My list of goals aren’t set in stone. I anticipate things changing over time. For now, this is what I have:
- Read at least 30 new books
- Pay off my car note
- Drop 15 lbs
- Use my cutouts to finally start collaging
- Learn how to macrame
- Get my passport and go to Honduras
- Find a good therapist to maintain good mental health/seek anxiety medication
- Adopt more veggie friendly dishes into my diet
- Move out again by Fall ’18
- Retake the GRE and get into grad school